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5 More Dumb Things You Can Buy on Amazon

Last week, we highlighted some of the strangest products we could find on Amazon while shopping on Prime Day. It turns out we had only skimmed the surface of the scummy pond. Here are five more of the weirdest items we’ve come across on everyone’s favorite online shopping site.


Amazon.com
Amazon.com

Pup-A-Razzi Silver Screen Starlet Dog Costume, White

Your dog is your best friend. He greets you warmly when you get home after a tough day, he loves you unconditionally, and he’d pull you from a raging inferno. What better way to honor him than by dressing him up like Marilyn Monroe and stripping him of all dignity? Look, it even has cleavage!

The costume will cost you just under $25, but it could cost you your life as well. If you dressed me up like that and posted pics of my utter humiliation on Instagram, I sure as hell wouldn’t save you from a fire. In fact, I’d probably start it.


Amazon.com
Amazon.com

Accoutrements Inflatable Evil Unicorn Horn for Cats

You think your dog would hate your guts after dressing him in something stupid for your own amusement? Think about what your cat would do. She already wants nothing to do with you, and she’s just waiting for you to keel over so she can pick your bones clean and move on to the nearest house with some tuna to spare.

If you can even get this thing on your cat, don’t feel like you’ve got a good kitty. You’ve just got a patient kitty – one who will gleefully poke you with a glowing-red pitchfork for eternity when you go “down below” for treating one of God’s creatures so shamefully. The coroner will rule your death a strange and horrific yarn accident, but kitty will know. Kitty will know…

Oh, and I find the claim that “cats love it” to be rather dubious, don’t you?


 

 

Amazon.com
Amazon.com

Toysmith Headgames Velcro Game

No, that’s not a Bjork album cover. That’s a surgical cap with Velcro strips for throwing fuzzy balls at. (Well, ok, that COULD be a Bjork album cover, but I assure you it’s not.)

I wasn’t going to feature this one, because after seeing two products designed specifically to humiliate innocent animals, I figured I’d give the item meant for people who want to humiliate themselves a pass. Then I read this:

“Challenge your children’s imaginations and keep them active with Toysmith.”

I suppose it’s a fair claim, but you don’t have to waste $12 on this thing to fire up your kid’s imagination. Just show them the product listing and challenge them to imagine the meeting at which this toy idea was pitched. I’m sure you’ll both get far more entertainment from that than you would from throwing balls at each other’s heads for half an hour before you get bored and throw this thing in the yard to get covered in dead leaves and bits of dried dog turd for all eternity.


 

Amazon.com
Amazon.com

Horizontal Lazy Glasses Lying Down Bed Reading Watching High Definition Prism Glasses Prism Eye Glasses or Bed Prism Spectacles Lazy Reders with 90° Angle

Besides being a mouthful, this product is also a pantload. But don’t take my word for it. Check out the product description delivered in impeccable Engrish.

  • Gender: Unisex
  • You can watch videos or reading books when lies on bed
  • Young fashion: a new game try it, lying at home watching TV.
  • Made to high optical standards and can be worn over spectacles.
  • Make the experience much more bearable Watch TV, read books or just watch the world go by without lifting your head

I’m not being cute. That’s the actual product description as listed on Amazon. I Ctrl+V’d that right into this article without altering a thing. (Although I may have altered the fabric of reality and left the world just a little stupider than I found it by raising awareness of this product.)

This one will set you back $10.89, but the migraine medication and inevitable optometrist appointment won’t come so cheap.


Amazon.com
Amazon.com

Gift of Nothing

I don’t know if this is the best or worst item on this list.

It’s not a dumb pet costume, a toy designed by a mushroom that licked the toad sitting upon it, or glasses that I’m pretty sure are a Chinese plot to blind Americans.

On the other hand, it’s literally nothing in a clam shell package that costs $5.99. Oh, and the listing says you’re saving $1, which means someone somewhere has the fuzzy Velcro balls to sell this nothing for $6.99.

But, like the Yodeling Pickle on last week’s list, I’ll give this one points for the clever gag gift product description:

Amazon.com
Amazon.com

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