Best Tips to Steal Halloween Candy From Your Kids
Once you get to a certain age, 35, it's uncool to be going around trick-or-treating. So what can you do? You can steal it from your kids.
Now of course the first step is having kids. See someone else post on how that happens. But once they pop out, start priming them to like the opposite of what you like. For example: If you like chocolate, then get them hooked on Sweet & Sour treats. Or, if you like Sweet & Sour, then get them hooked on chocolate. This is all part of a master plan.
As a parent, you're expected to go through the kids bag at the end of the night "looking for dangerous treats". And that's when you start "confiscating" items.
"Now honey, you know that Snickers are the one thing that turns little girls into angry men. You don't want to be an angry man and stand on top of air grates do you? So daddy's gonna eat that for you."
#EatASNICKERS, Marilyn. You’re cranky when you’re hungry.
Posted by Snickers on Wednesday, April 6, 2016
Reese's Peanut Butter Cups are always a favorite. You have to come up with some really big lies to steal these from kids, so it's best to start thinking of the "story" early. Oh, and make sure you rehearse it. If you try to do it off the cuff, you're gonna lose the cup.
This next one is questionable. The question being how you like your chocolate delivered. If you enjoy it in candy bar form, then you might want to push the fact that sometimes the word "Hershey" is spelled wrong. You can ask your kids if they know how to spell it, and if they say no, then you say you'll check it out and get back to them.
Now if you like your Hersey's delivered in a Kiss, well, it might be kind of hard to do, and you might take some heat from your spouse, but this would be a perfect time to drop the "Herpes" line. You can hide it by saying that if get too many "Kisses" you get a cold sore, then no one will ever want to kiss you ever again." Mean, but it works.
Now to scare the kids away from Kit Kat's, well that's easy if they like animals. Just tell them that you shouldn't eat cats. You don't want cats to eat you do you? Of course not. So you're mommy and daddy will just take that Kit Kat away so no one will eat it.
Now the last one you need to work on to steal from your kids is Butterfinger. Not because it's good, oh God no. You need to actually take it because it's dangerous. Butterfingers eat baby teeth for breakfast. To save yourself a crap-load of dentist bills you need to confiscate all of the butterfingers and throw them in the trash. The only people giving away full sized butterfinger candy bars are funeral homes, so that should tell you something.
That's it there. That's all you really need to be stealing. Let the kids have the Sweet & Sour garbage. Chocolate is the only items that should be on the theft list. Honestly, if you've raised your kids right, they'll give you the sweet & sour stuff if you ask nicely, but they'll fight you tooth and nail for the chocolate.
Now if you're over 35 and don't have any kids, just buy the candy yourself, you know, "for the trick or treaters", then forget to turn on your porch light.