Jamie Garrett Finds the 2nd-Most Embarrassing Article of Clothing Ever Found On His Neighborhood’s Street
Let it be known that I wouldn't dredge up this embarrassing moment had she just stopped the van. Had she stopped, had one of the boys get out, and pick it up, this wouldn't be something I'd bring up. But she didn't. Now this happens.
That's my rambling way of saying I found my US 105 hat in the middle of the road on the way to work last week. As I slowed to near a stop at the corner, just one house down from my own, I noticed I'd run over something that seemed strangely familiar. I put the truck in park, got out and walked back to see if my eyes were playing tricks on me.
Nope. I wasn't being deceived. It was my hat. Dirty as hell, but there it was. I immediately got embarrassed. I tried not to think about how many cars had driven over that spot, seeing the hat and driving on. I tried to recall how it would have fallen out. After only a few moments I'd come to the conclusion that it had to be one of the boys.
Maybe they'd set it on the side of the truck's bed and forgotten about it. Maybe they had it sitting near the door of mom's minivan and it fell out on the way to school. Yeah, that had to be it. I'd come home the night before and hadn't seen it in the road. It must have just fallen out that morning. Those boys of mine.
I took a few pictures, of course, because I'm always desperate for something to write about for the website. I took the pictures, dusted off the hat, and prepared a great story for the family later that evening. I'd give a good lecture about making sure things don't fall off or out of a moving vehicle. We'd all get a laugh out of it and move on.
Fate had something else in mind. Turns out, according to my inside source, three pairs of eyes in the van had seen the hat sitting in the road while leaving for school that morning and didn't stop to pick it up. This isn't a Dallas Cowboys hat (not that I'd EVER wear one). These aren't a dime-a-dozen. There are only eight US 105 hats in existence, and I own three of them. This was a case of seeing the hat, identifying that the hat belonged to your father or husband, and choosing to drive over and away from it anyway.
With that in mind, I'd like to take one moment to recognize that it may have come from my truck. It may have come out of the truck at that corner the previous evening and I just didn't (somehow) notice. I can't figure out how it happened. I'm a knucklehead. What can I say?
Now that we've had that moment, I'd like to take a FEW moments to remember the time my wife threw away a pair of her old drawers the night before a huge storm blew in and blew over the trash can. I picked up what I could find the next morning, but it turns out I wasn't the first person to get to cleaning.
My neighbor had come home from work the night prior and picked up a whole lot of trash, including those old drawers. I found this out because we laughed about it the next time we hung out. The conversation turned to that crazy storm that had blown in, and he made a joke about finding some old underwear blowing down the street. How embarrassing to have the neighbor find your old undies.
Those past two paragraphs may not mean a whole lot to you, but it's the perfect revenge for me because I know my wife will be mortified that I shared that story. That's my revenge for leaving my poor, poor US 105 hat in the street. In case you haven't figured it out yet, I'm far too immature for my own good. 700+ words just to get the last laugh.
What's truly laughable is that I don't quite have the courage to admit to her that I wrote this article. The only way she'll find out about it is if she's snooping around the website keeping tabs on what I'm writing about. That gives me a chance to get snooty and holier-than-thou and say, "I don't check up on YOU at YOUR job". Maybe I've said too much. Again.