My Elf on the Shelf Skills are Sadly Lacking

Call it laziness.  Call it forgetfulness.  Call it disinterest.  Whatever you call it, our Elf on the Shelf skills leave a lot to be desired.  Sure, from time to time we come up with something creative, but for the most part it's a train wreck.

We've seen Elfsky ziplining from the ceiling fan to the Christmas tree.  We've seen him putting underwear on the Christmas tree as a joke.  We've even seen him taken hostage by some toy soldiers that are definitely getting coal in their little green stockings this Christmas.

What we haven't seen, however, is consistency.  One great idea mixed in with 25 terrible ideas doesn't mean much.  As I love to say, even a broken clock is right twice a day.  So, we get lucky every now and again with a cool Elfsky move, but over the course of three years with Elfsky, it's been very rare.

Most of the time Elfsky just finds a place to plop down and lean against something to avoid tipping over.  It's almost more of an Easter Egg hunt at the house.  The excitement isn't in what Elfsky is doing.  The euphoria of it all comes from finding where he's "hiding".  And by "hiding" I mean whatever happened to be within arm's reach on the way to bed.

The worst Elfsky move is staying in one place for one, sometimes two or three, days at a time.  The first time that happened, I didn't know what to do.  I'm glad I'm not a secret agent, because my skills at getting out of a pressure situation like that at 6 in the morning is embarrassing.  I believe my exact response when Logan asked was, "Didn't I tell you to get your teeth brushed?".  Again, embarrassing.

I believe my official response later in the morning was that Elfsky was comfortable in that spot and just went back to the same spot as before.  Logan was quick to point out that his legs were crossed the exact same way as the day before and that there was no way he had moved.  I'm pretty sure I told him he needed to get on his socks and shoes at that point so I could have a moment to plan my next move.

There hasn't been much planning since.  Sometimes we'll get to it.  Sometimes we won't.  My wife claims she threw in the towel in the effort department last year when so much time was put into Elfsky being taken hostage by the little green men and no one seemed to be impressed at 6 in the morning when it was discovered.

For me, personally, I still care.  It's just the effort doesn't match the level of caring that I have.  To put it another way... I just forget.  And by forget, I don't mean I wake up in a moment of realization and rush in to move him.  I mean, I don't remember that Elf on the Shelf is something that even exists until I hear Logan saying something about him not moving again.

To be honest, I think the realization that this Elfsky B.S. is going to be what sinks the Santa ship as well.  When I really stop and think about it, this Elfsky business is nothing more than a marketing company tasked with finding a new product that will sell at Christmas, and through research and test-groups (the REAL reason for the season) they came up with an Elf.  That you hide.  On a shelf.  And we've bought it.

If I had to say where the real evil lies in this marketing campaign, I'd blame Pinterest.  Pinterest is nothing more than a tool used to make us feel worse about our own effort.  My Elf on the Shelf isn't taking Hershey Kiss dumps onto cookies.  Call the CPS.  We're all trying to show Pinterest, and Instagram, and Facebook, and Twitter, and maybe even Snapchat, that we're great parents that took more time than us placing that damn elf.

I'm going to go ahead and copyright my next big Christmas phenomenon.  I call it "Jingleberries".  It's a Christmas twist on that old favorite, Nutsack-Hanging-From-Truck.  All I need is to get the Duck Dynasty crew to sign off on it and endorse it.  Product placement on the Duck Dynasty Christmas Special would be huge.  I could move a million units by Black Friday 2015.

I'm sorry.  I'm lashing out due to my own inadequacies.  It's not the elf's fault.  Or the ad agency that birthed him.  Truth be told, I'm still just trying to keep them alive and not screw them up TOO much before they go off into the world.  Adding daily elf movement to my list and I'm in over my head.  I can barely keep the hermit crabs alive.

I'm just thankful that the Elf on the Shelf brought one good moment.  That moment is last year when my father-in-law, stoic and fatherly as he may be, taking a moment to pose as the Elf on the Shelf while dressed in a Christmas "outfit" for pictures.  That will stay with me forever.  Now, it will stay with you, too.  You're welcome.