Don't get us wrong.  We're glad you're here.  We're just curious as to how long it will be before you pack your things and go back to where it is you slithered out from.  Welcome to Texas.

The great places to see and visit in Texas are the things we want to protect most.  That's why we recommend you visit Austin on your visit.  Most Texans avoid that traffic-clogged, pit-stained city at all costs.  That's why we don't mind you visiting the pink capitol building and all the statues and historic markers that point back to a time before Austin became intolerable.  I tell anyone that asks to avoid Austin.  Once you're done puking in public from too many cheap tequila shots you drive the extra hour down to San Antonio and party on the Riverwalk with the big boys and girls.

If you decide to venture out beyond city limits, just be back before sundown.  That's not a threat.  It's just that most of our road closures from construction occur between the hours of 7pm & 7am.  You get caught in that and you're going nowhere fast.  Just remember, before you insult us stupid Texans for all the construction and traffic, keep in mind that it's mainly out-of-state traffic traveling through on I-35 that chokes the roads.

Photo by Ben Sklar/Getty Images)

As much as we'd love for you to leave the state quickly and leave the A/C to the rest of us, we understand the fascination with the state.  That's why I think the sooner you soak it all in, the sooner you can go home.  My mom is visiting this weekend, and we're going to float the Guadalupe.  Keep in mind, outsiders, it's Gwad-a-loop, not "lupe" like it's supposed to be pronounced.

If you're visiting the Lone Star State, and you're looking for the true Texan experience, stay away from the dude ranches and the Western White House in Crawford and go with something truly Texican.  I've narrowed it down to the 3 most essential "Texan" things to do.  After all, this Texas summer heat is sapping my energy and there's no way in Heidenheimer that I'm giving you any more than that on a Monday.

 Jamie Garrett's Three to See:  

Three Things to Do For the Ultimate Texan Experience

  • 1

    The New Braunfels Experience

    New Braunfels, and surrounding areas, are God's way of making good to Texans for the ridiculous summer heat.  I hear visitors say that it's a dry heat.  Those people have predominantly been west of I-35.  Walk a half-mile east of I-35 and you're practically in West Louisiana with the humidity to match.

    It's not even that Texas has the hottest temperatures, because we don't.  Texas heat is unique in that it gets here and stays.  For months.  And months.  When you haven't felt a day with temps staying below 95 for three straight months it can be downright depressing, and it begins to turn you loony.

    A trip to the New Braunfels area, complete with a sunburned evening of music at Gruene Hall can make it all better.  After a day floating down the Frio or Guadalupe or Blanco River, freezing the heat-depression (a new term I've made up here) right out of you, a night at Gruene Hall with some of the legends of country music will cap it all off.

    Don't overdo it on day 1, though.  Day 2 involves a trip into Schlitterbahn, the only water park I've ever been to where you can buy beer, and the cold, cold Comal River water.  Be ready for the blow-back this trip to Schlitterbahn will cause, because you'll never, ever want to go to another water park again.  Every body of water you enter moving forward will feel like e-coli-infested pee water.

    Credit FtLaudGirl- Thinkstock
  • 2

    Commit an EWWD

    EWWD is short for Eating Whataburger while drunk.  It's not enough to enjoy the best fries/ketchup combination in fast food under normal circumstances.  To officially get the Texan experience you'll have to make an appearance in the dining room, where you'll try to stay awake so your friends don't use a Sharpie on you.  You've got a DD, so it's all good.  Just act sober if John Q. Law walks in.  I don't think it's legal to be drunk in public.  Unless you're a Cowboys fan.

    An acceptable substitution to being in the dining room would be backseat drunk-ordering.  This requires you interrupting the ordering process to add an additional item to your order at least three different times.  Additional points come your way if you attempt to get the phone number of the window-attendant OR if you pass out before the food gets delivered.

    Credit Getty images
  • 3

    Cut Through the Grass in a Traffic Jam

    The only thing worse, to me, than Austin traffic is "phantom traffic".  This is the term I use when there's no possible explanation as to why you keep going from 80-MPH to a dead-stop, over and over again, for a hundred miles.  It just takes one A-hole cutting someone off without using the turn signal for brake lights to light up for 20 miles.

    Part of the problem with any kind of traffic jam in Texas is the access road.  This Texas phenomenon causes more problems than anything.  A driver slowing down for the brake lights ahead thinks they can shave a few minutes off their trip by crossing the grass onto the access road, not realizing we're all going to have to slow BACK DOWN in a few miles so we can make room for you to merge back onto the road.

    It's asinine, but it's completely a Texan thing.  I love seeing the lowered sedans with the aftermarket bumpers and big, loud muffler doing about $3,000 in damage going through the grass and over the curb.  That being said, if you're visiting, and it's a rental, merge away.  It's quite exhilarating for you, and infuriating for us.

    Credit Thinkstock