5 Reasons Why I Won’t Celebrate Halloween
Maybe I was a little dramatic with the headline. I will celebrate Halloween if it means giving out candy and taking my nephews and nieces trick-or-treating. My Facebook timeline is filled with "OMG Krystal let's go to this!" and attached is the Haunted House with actors who run around with chainsaws. Let me break it down for you as to why I will ignore you during the Halloween season.
1. I will pee. Everywhere. If you like to creep around corners with a creepy clown mask on, waiting for me to come around the corner, I will pee myself. Then I will bring my wet clothes and set it on your work desk or bed, depending on where we are when you think it's a good idea to scare me.
2. Hispanic Panic is REAL! You don't play with El Cucuy! Obviously I am a Latina, and listen if you scare me you shoot my blood pressure through the roof. This can't be fixed with Vapor Rub (Vaporu) and a sprite and crackers. This calls for Xanax and wine, one of those I don't have a prescription for.
3. I HATE running. If I loved running I would have a beautiful body like my friends do. So no, I don't want to go to a creepy corn maze with you and get chased by a man in a mask with a machete. This meatball with legs would just roll over and ask him to make my death a quick one. Death > Cardio
4. I will break your phone. If you're thinking filming my reaction will be "so funny" it will be. My roommate tormented me for years. She had an infatuation of scaring me, it was more of a sickness. I react, with horrid profanity that would make my family disown me. I may laugh when I see the video a couple of days later, but your phone will still end up with a shattered screen on the floor. My insurance doesn't cover Hispanic Panic. Sorry.
5. If my dad finds out, I'll get in trouble. I can't be the only one who was raised in a household where celebrating Halloween meant you worshiped the devil. Right? Growing up we weren't even allowed to buy the pumpkin shaped candy. If my dad finds out I get a sermon. (Did I mention my dad was a pastor?) Normally his sermons cost me 2 hours of my time which I just don't have these days.
In short. Y'all play too much. I'm down for Halloween festivities, just not the scary stuff.
P.S. It is a fact that candy corn sucks!