5 Dumb Things People Do When They Drink

It’s 2 a.m. You’ve just realized you haven’t talked to Whatshisface or Whatchamacall’er in months. There’s never been a more perfect time to call, and you have some very important questions to ask, such as:

“Hey! ‘Sup?”

“Were you asleep?”

“Why aren’t you here?”

The good news about drunk calling is that you’ll probably get bored with it quickly once you realize you can’t hear a word the person is saying because of the noise on your end. Texting, however, is quicksand. Even if you don’t get a response, you’ll keep texting, either to apologize for texting or to repeatedly ask if you should stop texting.

Either way, we recommend deleting any exes from your contacts list.

Everything is important when you’re drunk, but alcohol does something weird to the atmosphere, slowing down sound waves and making you impossible to hear. How can you repeatedly tell your friends you love them or make everyone aware of how glad you are that you decided to go out tonight if your voice can’t be heard above the din?

Shouting is science’s answer to this age old problem. The more you drink, the louder you must be if you’re going to get any point across. And remember: the closer they are to you, the less likely they are to hear you, so yell lounder!

Typing “drunk fails” into YouTube’s search bar will make it perfectly clear why cameras are an inebriated person’s third-worst enemy (after people who think your team sucks and toilets with the lid down). Just seeing a camera can trigger a “Hey, look what I can do!” hormone in the brain which makes you an instant comedian, dancer or MMA fighter.

A picture would be bad enough, but everyone’s carrying around video equipment in their sweaty pockets these days. These amateur Spielbergs are more than happy to film your improvised rap or amateur Parkour skills for posterity. The bad news: it’s probably going straight to Facebook. The good news: it’ll most likely be recorded in portrait mode, so most people will close out of the window immediately upon realizing this.*

*(This principle does not apply to videos uploaded to WorldStarHipHop)

Yes, “Facebook” is a verb now. Facebook – (verb) – to Facebook. And if you’re dumb, you’ll be doing a lot of it. After all, how can you have fun if hundreds of people aren’t aware that you’re having it?

Here’s what we need to know:

Where are you?

What are you drinking?

How drunk are you?

Who are your best friends in the whole world?

How many of them can you possibly tag in one post?

That’s the safe zone. Sure, you’ll annoy a lot of people, but they’ll roll their eyes and forgive you. The problem posting begins shortly after you’ve lost your voice from all the shouting. You’ll need a new outlet, so you’ll start spamming the news feed and other people’s posts. When people wake up the next day and find 42 notifications from you, you’ll wish you’d been using your phone to record someone’s stupid antics instead.

Drinking enough to pass out is ridiculous anyway, but if you conk out around your best friends, you will get pranked. Maybe you’ll wake up covered in Sharpie graffiti. Maybe one of your eyebrows will have mysteriously vanished. Maybe you’ll have beer cans and furniture stacked precariously on your head. The same people who would make the most noble sacrifices for you in the name of friendship will not hesitate to mess with you once they’re sure you’re too hammered to suddenly jolt awake.