This ‘Posh Porch Pirate’ is Still on the Loose in Texas

Hate is a strong word, but you know what? I'm gonna use it.

I hate porch pirates.

I do. I really, really do. Sorry, but there's something so scummy about casually walking up to someone's home in broad daylight and carting off their package. I've had it happen to me too many times, and while it's not the end of the world if my new SD card or PlayStation controller gets nabbed, it's a serious problem when my mother's medical supplies get yoinked by some scumbag.

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I wanted to open with that sentiment because while porch piracy is nothing to laugh at, I'd be lying if I said the Southlake, Texas Police Department's description of a package theft suspect from their city didn't make me laugh.

In a Facebook post, Southlake DPS shared a pic of a woman they're calling the "Posh Porch Pirate" because she's dressed like she's on her way to work curating an art museum or managing a financial advisory firm. You know, a real job.

I love the way whoever handles the Southlake DPS Facebook page described the scene:

"Our thief looks to be nicely dressed—waaaaay too nice for some mid-morning thieving. She’s about 5’8” and is in heels. She had on a black tank top, a white plaid pencil skirt, wore prescription glasses, and had blonde hair. She’s got nice nails and a gold watch and necklace too, and dare we say it, looks a little bougie, just like those fish from this morning’s post. Like she probably has a “Dance Like No One’s Watching” painted block of wood in her kitchen. You know what we mean.

So our bad girl just parked her small white SUV at the curb and sashayed, chanteyed up to the house that was not hers, and ALLEGEDLY grabbed the package with the water filter in it. Then she scuttled back and fled."

It's all hilarious, but the line about the 'Dance Like Nobody's Watching' line kills me! I'm with the police here: this lady has to have at least one 'Live, Laugh, Love' throw pillow on her couch.

She may be dressed like a posh professional, but she's still a total scumbum in my eyes. She's accused of stealing someone's refrigerator water filter, but it's ike the Southlake DPS poster writes: what if that package had contained someone's medication?

I wish Southlake DPS all the luck in the world tracking this lady down. I'm sure she'll look totally fabulous in an orange jumpsuit and some prison flip-flops.