After an Unpredictable 2014, Jamie Garrett Gives You His Best Predictions for 2015
Coming into 2014, who would have thought the year would see a spaceship land on a comet? Or North Korea attacking Hollywood? Or Super-Creepy-Rob-Lowe being a "thing"?
It's in the spirit of unpredictability that I offer up my best predictions for 2015. Let's hope we don't see any of this come to fruition.
My Predictions for 2015
1. Kim Jong Un, in a moment of weakness and curiosity, watches The Interview with Seth Rogen and James Franco to see what all the fuss is about and finds it to be hilarious. Inspired by the Seth Rogen lifestyle, Kim Jong Un tries marijuana for the first time since his college days in Europe, gets wasted and orders Seth Rogen kidnapped and brought toNorth Korea. Rogen, after the initial fear wears off and he discovers the supreme leader to be "cool", becomes smoking buddies with his captor and convinces him to reformNorth Korea. On April 20th (appropriately enough),North Korea holds its first democratic election and, much to everyone's surprise, Seth Rogen wins the presidency in a landslide. To prevent tension with his new BFF, Rogen appoints Kim Jong Un his Secretary of State and Dennis Rodman his VP. By June, Seth loses his motivation to lead, turns the country over to Rodman and returns toHollywood. Two days later Dennis Rodman losesNorth Korea to Ben Affleck in an all-night poker game. Affleck immediately sellsNorth Korea to the mob to pay his massive gambling debts. The mob declares the country a dictatorship once again, and begins a reign of terror that will go on for 23 years, until the CIA secretly hires Kim Jong Un to pose as a goodwill ambassador secretly sent to kill the North Korean supreme leader, John Gotti IV. Kim Jong Un takes back his country on, appropriately enough, April 20th 2038.
2. After winning Super Bowl XLIX with an MVP performance, Dallas Cowboys QB takes the customary free trip toDisneyLand, only to be taken hostage by a group of deranged Disney mascots and held for months in the bowels ofSpaceMountain. Several attempts at military intervention end in bloodshed. Live TV coverage of hostage rescue attempts scar children around the world as Mickey Mouse, the kidnappers' ringleader, is shown being gunned down by a US Navy SEAL. The situation looks hopeless until, on the night before the NFL draft and with the Cowboys poised to find Romo's replacement in the draft or via trade, police capture the brains behind the operation, Johnny Manziel, at his mountaintop lair. Manziel is charged with orchestrating the kidnapping of Tony Romo to facilitate a trade from the Cleveland Browns to the Dallas Cowboys, the team he wanted to draft him all along. During his transfer from his mountaintop lair to the nearest police station, the transport vehicle careens off a snowy road and into the valley below. Police never find the body, and rumors swirl that Manziel was actually an alien creature that, upon failing his planet's ambitions on taking over the world, was beamed up to his spaceship to return home, disgraced.
3. The collapse of the world economy begins with just one concession. Despite claims that raising the minimum wage to $15/hour for workers would lead to job loss and financial trouble across the country, Wal-Mart, along with the five-biggest fast food giants, agree on a historical agreement to raise the minimum wage across their platforms to $15/hour. The agreement is touted as the dawn of a new age of opportunity and equality, and the number of families living beneath the poverty line decreases by 90%. Within 3 months, however, the effects of the rise in minimum wage begins to be felt. Wal-Mart workers are no longer forced to buy Wal-Mart products since they can afford better products made by Americans and sold by local businesses, meaning more local businesses prosper. Making more money means fast food workers no longer have to eat or steal the food they make, and instead buy and consume healthier options. The change in shopping and eating habits leads to a huge decrease in Wal-Mart's profits. Panicked, the Walton family retracts their pledge to pay $15/hour, but with more local businesses hiring workers to make up for the surge in demand and customers, employees leave by the thousands. With their family legacy and finances in ruins, the Walton family turns to the government for help. Less than one year after the initial pledge, the Walton family turns to food stamps for help, and one heir is caught by TMZ shoplifting from one of his own Wal-Mart stores. Caught red-handed, the Walton heir attempts to flee, but the Wal-Mart Shaq shoes he bought when he could no longer afford Air Jordans fell apart at the seams, leaving him shoeless and under arrest. All-in-all, aside from the collapse of Wal-Mart meaning people would have to buy groceries separate from their tires, the economy strengthened... everywhere except Arkansas, where Wal-Mart accounted for 98% of the job market and tax revenue taken in by the state.