Chuck Norris turned 75 yesterday (March 10th), but what do you get for the man that has (or has the ability to destroy) everything?  I've come up with my top 3 choices in "Three to See".


  • 1

    Arm Reassignment Surgery

    We all know that Chuck Norris's arms individually are lethal weapons.  His arms, when used together, have been banned by the Geneva Convention.  For his birthday, both of Chuck Norris's arms will be replaced with rotors, turning him into the first flying human drone.  Now, only Drone Norris can decide which foreign nationals live or die.  Drone Norris will strike fear into the heart of the enemy forever.  Or at least until their use is banned by the Geneva Convention.

    As for the arms, they're sent to eastern Europe to replace the current Star Wars missile defense system.  Arm #1 knocks the nuke out of the sky while Arm #2 finds the person that ordered the launch and holds him down while Arm #1 returns the wayward nuke, thrusters-first, to the tyrant in question.

    Credit Getty Images
  • 2

    5 Minutes alone with Vladamir Putin, the leaders of ISIS and a BETA-Max video camera

    There are no bigger threats to peace and stability in our time than Putin's madness and ISIS's 2005 Toyota Tacomas.  I throw in the video camera for Chuck's birthday just because I believe it's the source of his power.  After all, he was never mightier than during BETA's zenith of popularity, late 1983 into January of 1984.  It was a glorious reign for both the BETA and Chuck Norris.  Together again at last, the two won't be stopped until every terrorist and shirtless dictator in the room has suffered, without mercy, from Chuck Norris's roundhouse kicks and stone, cold sexiness.

    Putin, of course, will be the last to go down.  Shirtless and bloody, the two fight for 8 hours, only stopping to switch out tapes on the BETA camera, until Chuck Norris stops suddenly.  At this point it's revealed that Chuck Norris's stunt double that had been doing the fighting the whole time.  Nobody had noticed because, well, it's BETA, and who can make out anything other than grainy shapes on that thing?  At that exact moment, Chuck Norris swings, shirtless of course, through the skylights to find Putin wetting himself with fear.  With only a cold stare and his index finger, Chuck Norris ends Putin's reign of swagger.

    Credit Getty Images
  • 3

    Beard Oil

    Yes.  Beard oil.  Not everything has to be a joke.  This is Chuck Norris's beard we're talking about here.  The BETA-Max may unlock the power of Chuck Norris, but the beard is for all of us.  Who's going to provide us with shelter in the event of a nuclear attack?  Chuck Norris's beard, that's who.  Who's going to mop up the oil and save the wildlife the next time BP has a ruptured pipe for weeks at a time.  Damn right.  Chuck Norris's beard.

    Beards can get dry and unmanageable.  Chuck Norris's beard deserves the very best.  That beard could very well one day be walking your daughter, or your son, or both, down the aisle.  Don't you want it looking, and feeling, the very best?  If you answered no to that question, please be aware that Chuck Norris's beard could very well be on its way to your house right now.  Run.  Don't walk.  Run.  Make it to higher ground and I'll send word when, or if, it's safe again.

    Credit Getty Images