The Stupid News Network has seen the many different ways stupid criminals get caught for their alleged crimes, but "conviction by cucumber" isn't something we've seen... until now!!

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Our cucumber caper comes to us courtesy of jolly ol' England's Billy Donnelly.  During a night of drunken stupor Donnelly broke into a greenhouse, where he proceeded to ransack the place and fill his belly with plundered veggies.  This, of course, is why America is so fat.  If someone broke into a greenhouse in America it sure wouldn't be to raid the veggie stash.  In the good ol' U.S. of A he would have been committing B & E at the Dunkin' Donuts.  The only thing a drunk American criminal would want out of a greenhouse would be chemicals to make meth.

Along the way Billy boy didn't finish up his vegetables.  Bad, bad Billy left a cucumber with a single bite taken out of it, and from the cucumber came DNA evidence linking him with this heinous crime.  In addition to the greenhouse theft, Mr. Donnelly also broke into the adjacent house, again ransacking and stealing any and all possessions not tied down. Not to lead you to believe British criminals are completely different from their American counterparts, upon arresting Donnelly police found a pair of cannabis plants growing in the cupboard of his home.

Soak it all in, folks.  Stories like this don't come around every day.  Without Heisenburg the world is looking for its next great criminal mind.  After reading this story it's very clear that we're still looking.  Just remember the next time your kids aren't finishing their vegetables for dinner, remind them uneaten veggies can lead to prison time.