Stupid News Network Looking to Play Matchmaker for $1,500 Finder’s Fee
The quest for love has left many a man writhing in agony at the utterly stupid things they've been caught doing for the sake of love... or lust. The Stupid News Network is usually there to report the aftermath. Could we now play matchmaker for someone stupid?
Stupid is a matter of opinion until you share your stupidity with the world. Once you put up a website that exhibits your stupidity you've opened yourself up to public judgement as to the level of your stupidity. What happens, however, when someone INTENTIONALLY exhibits their stupidity to the world just for the sake of finding true love? Do you help that person find love out of pitty, or do you do everything in your power to prevent "stupid" from reproducing. After all, if someone is publicly stupid and someone else still decides to spend their life (or even a small amount of time) with Mr. or Ms. Stupid, how stupid does that make that other stupid person in question? Wow. My brain hurts just trying to figure it out.
I ask all these questions because I came across a website called "Sleepless in Austin" that features a gentleman named Larry Busby (aka Romeo Rose) that's publicly sharing with the world that he can't find love in a city of a million or more. Many of these possible mates are naive (possibly drunk) and love a man with long hair & a goatee. Yet he's had no luck. Maybe it's the requirements he's listed that have hampered his search.
Gawker thinks he's racist. I think he's picky. And desperate. Very Desperate. Picky & desperate, when added together, equal lonely. Romeo is looking for a thin, athletic, red headed, glasses-wearing, kid-free, career-minded, tattoo-free, faithful virgin (or near-virgin). OK, that shouldn't be too difficult to find in Austin. What's that? Oh, there's more. She can't be sarcastic, selfish, cynical or black. Yes, he actually eliminates black women from his list. He's quick to point out that he's not racist because "Hispanic, Mexican, Spanish, Russian, Italian, French, European, White, whatever, anything except black". So there's that.
Jamie, why are you trying to play matchmaker for some pretentious Austin wedding photographer (only thing worse than a wedding DJ... trust me, I know... I DJ at weddings) that's got unrealistic expectations on dating? First, he's not looking for kids. That means he won't produce stupidity for future generations. Second, it's all about the Benjamins, baby.
You see, despite being borderline racist, very sad and very lonely, Larry understands he's not getting any younger, and he's decided to offer a bounty to anyone that can find someone equally sad and desperate enough to enter a long-term relationship with him. He's offering $1,500 for a long-term relationship, and he's upping it another $1,000 if it leads to marriage.
Think of the bounty as more of a dowry, only it's done more out of desperation than anything else. It's hard to believe this guy is still single. Think about it. He's a wedding photographer that's looking for love and marriage. If you can't find someone at a wedding that's willing to lower their standards for the sake of not ending up an old maid then there's not much hope at all. I've DJ'd a few weddings, and some of the bridesmaids reeked of desperation.
As charming as he is, and with a smile like that, I refuse to believe there's not some future Cat Lady out there willing to avoid a lifetime of loneliness and litter boxes for the exciting life that comes with being the wife of a wedding photographer with at least $2,500 to his name. Larry the Lady Magnet is even willing to give up his phone number on the internet. That shouldn't lead to any problems. So, how about it ladies? Any takers? Just make sure you only network your way into Romeo Rose's world through me. I'd prefer you be unable to bear children just to ensure no accidents happen. The stupidity needs to stop at this generation.